The Future

(And Why I Cried Over a Low Key Convo About Retirement)

Last Sunday morning, my husband Mark and I lingered over the kitchen table, slow to start our day. We each had a cup of coffee in hand, and we were enjoying each other's company after a really busy week. I brought up a few house projects that are - ahem - lingering, and how our finances are an ongoing balance of “live in the now” versus “save for later”.

Mark - the CFO of our household - began talking me through our several long term savings. He has spent many hours researching the best way to save money: how to distribute funds, what kind of accounts yield the best return, and how to ensure a comfortable retirement based on our income. As he excitedly told me the numbers, I felt that familiar catch in my throat.

“Mark,” I began to cry, slightly motioning to the living room. “I just - they’ll be gone.”

Our three kids, ages 8, 6, and almost 3, were quietly watching TV and making Cheerio crumbs. Even though they weren’t in the room with us, knowing they are home is like a warm blanket. A warm, sometimes loud, always messy, blanket.

“Yeah but Court - like, name a year, I’ll tell you how much we will have to live off per year.”

“Mark, I cannot even picture it. I cannot look forward to it.”

I tried to explain to him how I’m feeling. I described how I feel like I’m so “in it” now (whatever “in it” means), so much so that it's hard to be interested in saving anything for later. I don’t want to save money - I want to spend it all on my kiddos’ childhoods - they only get one. I want their home to be the most comfortable, birthday party friendly, creativity inspiring, space it can be. I want to say YES to movies and roller skating and eating pancakes at the diner and even a road trip that includes a hotel with a pool.

I don’t want to think about the future, or save anything for it - because I’m so afraid of missing it NOW.

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In the course of the past two months, I failed to show up for a meeting, messed up my kids’ school schedule twice, and had my wallet stolen after leaving it in my unlocked car. (And then forgot to bring my plastic baggie holding my ID and credit cards to a hospital birth - YIKES!) Why why why is my brain not working? Besides being crushed beneath the mental load that is weighing on so much of us (HI! ESPECIALLY YOU MAMA!), I realize I’ve had a really difficult time thinking about the future. This is quite contrary to the planning part of me that makes up the majority of my personality. Typically, I think and reflect and get things on my calendar early and make lists to ease the life of future me. With all these things falling through the crack recently, I realized - I’ve been unable to see past what’s right in front of me. It feels as if I’ve arrived at some peak in my life - yes, it's hard to have young kids, but will we ever have a Christmas this magical again? When will the urgent hugs at school pick up run out? Will I ever be in this good health again? Will it ever be this - simple - again?

After the election in November, I felt especially frozen. How can I look forward, when the potential for more equity and progress is stunted?